First, thanks for the encouragement from everyone. It's been a really bad week - I would say I was suicidal several times. As with many of you, so much is going on in addition to whatever the CPN is doing to my body. I am taking appropriate meds for it all and seeing my docs.
While laying in bed with too much time to think, these are the layers of problems I came up with.
1. General Anxiey Disorder - diagnosed years ago while raising and homeschooling five children ages ten and under. Marriage problems added to the anxiety.
2. Panic attacks - I had some even as a child, but didn't know what they were. First really bad one occured after hubby left for the desert. It lasted ten hours. Took about two weeks for my body to recover from the stress of that! My youngest was about eight at the time. I consider the panic attacks as the way my body lets off steam when too much anxiety builds up - like a pressure cooker. Added Xanax as needed.
3. Depression - I've had bouts of depression since my first child. Sometime after my panic attack the docs started trying to combine meds to find the right one to fix everything. To me, the depressions seem mostly circumstancial, they just stay around way too long.I think I have a right to be depressed. My life sucks.
4. Fibromyalgia - I began to have pain in many of the 18 tender points. Fibro fog - although I didn't know there was a name for it. And I realized I just couldn't do as much as others around me, that I had to plan my activities and be cautious of overdoing. It was ten years before I finally got a doctor to diagnose fibro.
5.Circumstances - My kids are all finally grown, but kept coming home for extended "visits." They know better now. One daughter decided to leave her two babies (ages 2 and 3) with us to raise. That was nine years ago and they are ours now, one is bi-polar, the other probably aspergers. Our daughter definately has a mood disorder - no insurance to be treated - but she can't help with the girls. The father of the girls has been in prison most of their life and I hope he stays there.
So...., now I'm 56 and all this collided like "The Big Bang" or maybe imploded would be a better description since my world got smaller. The next step is to decide what one decision or change can be made that will make the most difference. I want a life back. CAP may work in the long run, but I need a short term fix. I feel worse on the meds than off. I gotta get these girls raised or give them up. Neither seems possible right now.
Thanks for the whine and cheese!