Depressed over looking sick

This may sound somewhat superficial but effects me greatly. The only reason it really effects me is, I have always had problems with social phobia but was able to deal. When people would look at me, I would think the worse, can't really explain it. I think it all started when I had a bad bout of acne in my college yrs. It effected me greatly.

Then I was struck with this disease and it totally ruined my esteem.

I'm get anxious when I keep hearing 'are you tired, you look tired' which means you look like shit..

I lost a lot of facial muscle and fat and the cpn ruined my complexion to the point of wanting to hide indoors. I can't believe how self-conscience this is making me.

If I do get well, how am I supposed to get out there and be confident when my face and appearance have been grinded by cpn?




Prescanario -

Re the lost facial muscle and facial fat there is a FDA approved injectable drug available in the US called Sculptra.  It's original FDA indication was for facial fat and muscle loss by HIV patients. 

As long as the use is not cosmetic (lifting wrinkles and sagging jowls) you may be able to get it paid for by your insurer.  (Sorry if you are not in US - so many folks here I have trouble remembering from where everyone hails).  A Sculptra trained Dermatologist reconstructs your face with the product.  

While I generally have reservations about the use of these types of products the results in people who have lost muscle mass and fat due to disease wasting can be rather amazing and life transforming. 

Re the self- esteem, Maybe others can offer better advice such as seeing a therapist, etc... for me - I'll offer this -  somewhere along the way I learned to see past the outer shells of people and look at the inner - including myself.  Cellulite, wrinkles, gray hairs, a bulge under my chin, spider veins on legs, etc... none of these have anything to do with who I really am.  How I act, how I treat myself and others, that's how I define myself these days.

I have known some awfully attractive people on this planet who have some pretty grotesque insides .  Also known some less physically attractive people who are down right stunning when you see their true colors. 

In the end aging gets the looks of everyone but wonderously not the true beauty cause that's cultivated through out life on the inside.  I try to remember everyday that I am a creation of the  Universe and the Divine and that makes me perfect, worthy and acceptable in every way. 

If this all sounds trite or dumb sorry but it's what I believe...

Peace !

Daisy - Husband on CAP 5/07.   Roxy, Diflucan, Rifampin, Bactrim DS, Mepron 4-6, Prednisone, Novantrone, Doxy, Azithromycin, Flagyl, Mino

Daisy - Husband on CAP 5/07.  Husband died from Acute Myelogenous Leukemia Secondary to the Infusion of Novantrone.  Ie - the treatment with the conventional MS drugs killed him.

Daisy on her own CAP 11/2012. 


I know this feeling well. I never would even run to the grocery store with out makeup and hair done. I was always the first one to volunteer my services to school,sports,work etc. I never understood people on the autoimmune boards saying but you don't look sick. Huh I had huge bags under my eyes which people would say the tired thing too. My hair was limp and dry and thinner. I did not even have the energy to shower and get to the store in the same day much less put makeup on or do my hair. Things I have learned. Stop worrying what other people think. They have no idea how sick you feel. who cares anyway what they think. You are fighting something that they will never understand. Do what you need to do to make yourself feel better. Keep taking your abx and things will start to turn around. Your self esteem will return and maybe even better. The most important people in your life are you and your family. Put your head up and keep fighting. Feel confidence in the fact that most of those people would not have the tenacity to do what you are doing. Those are things that helped me along the path. zero negative sjogren's diagnosed 2/03, 200mg doryx daily, mwf zithromax, flagyl every 3 weeks.

200mg doxy daily, 500 zithromax mwf,flagyl 1000 m-fri.rifampin 2x daily,chloestryramine 2x daily

Thanks for the information and the discourse.  I do agree with much of what you shared Daisy, especially the part about being a creation of the Universe and the Devine and our inherent worth.   What I do want to share is that Presacanario, as I feel, weller and stronger and more able to participate in life I to am noticing what may be chalked up to just aging or perhaps the effects of being so down and out for so long that I could consider doing something cosmetic if I could find a way.  Not for other folks approval but for my own self concept.  I have to say that more and more I want to look less and less in the mirror because although I am feeling pretty well, I see a tired and dragged out face that feels defeating. 

Thanks for sharing, this has been helpful for me.  I consider myself to be a person with depth and aprreciation of the true essence of others, so it boggles my mind that I often see myself this way.   

There is one thing that I can say is that being ill with these intracellular bacterial infections has allowed me to realized, with a clarity that has developed for me, that there is nothing inherently wrong with most choices that people make if taken from their point of view.  

Thank you both, Presacanario and Daisy for your sharings. 

 Louise, CFS. CPnPositive. BbPositive. WheldonCAP began6/24/07. NAC,Doxy, Roxi,FullTiniPulses. Intermittent Cholestyramine,1-2packets, at bedtime,most often with pulses,and as needed, for Phorphoria & liposacaride Endotoxin Die-OffExperiences.

  • CAP(TiniOnly): 06/07-02/09 for CFS
  • MethylationProtocolSupplements: Started08/08
  • Intermtnt CAP: 02/09-02/10
  • Full MethylProtocol & LDN 02/09
  • Off CAP: 02/10, cont LDN & MethlyProtocol support


Chris, about a year into treatment I looked very sick, red eyes, one red hand, swollen ankles, double chin and pot belly.  But now, another four years on, I look like I have become much younger, skin has tautened up without any fakery, hair long and lustrous, trim ankles, both hands the same colour, back to my weight when I was about 22 and as long as people don't see me walking, I am told that I look wonderful and healthy.  It takes time, but get rid of the germs and the endotoxins and you might end up looking like Hermes.............Sarah

An Itinerary in Light and Shadow...........Completed Stratton/Wheldon regime for aggressive secondary progressive MS in June 2007, after nearly four years, three of which intermittent.   Still slowly improving and no exacerbation since starting. EDSS was 7, now 2, less on a good day.

Completed Stratton/Wheldon regime for aggressive secondary progressive MS in June 2007, after four years, three of which intermittent.   Still improving bit by bit and no relapses since finishing treatment.

certainly prescanario, i can relate to what you are saying.  i have often thought of putting a post on this subject, something like Vanity Thy Name is Blackfoot.  i don't have the kind of social phobias you describe but i have found it very disheartening to look so awful really alot of the time.  and i do think this has got worse since I have been on CAP so i really look forward to some of Sarah's progress.  and I take Daisy's points too, so eloquently put.


M.E./CFS 20 years, intermittent.  Wheldon Protocol - Started NAC and supplements Sept 2007. Doxy and Roxy full dose by Dec '07.  First Flagyl pulse January 2008.

M.E./CFS 20 years, intermittent.  Wheldon Protocol - Started NAC and supplements Sept 2007. Doxy and Roxy full dose by Dec '07.  First Flagyl pulse January 2008.  Changed to Tini in December 2008.  Stopped CAP in February 2009 at pulse 16.

you might end up looking like Hermes.............Sarah

Who wants to look like a handbag? Image removed.

Don't forget al lot of what you are feeling is a depression due to this darn cpn. When you feel better, you look better. Hang on in there.

Berkshire, UK. Diagnosed RRMS Feb 4th 2008.

NAC 2400mg. All supplements. Doxy 200mg. Zith 250mg M/W/F.
No GP/Neuro support. Self medicating with help from David Wheldon.
Started CAP 20th April 2008.

Berkshire, UK. Diagnosed RRMS Feb 4th 2008.

NAC 2400mg. All supps. Doxy 200mg. Zith 250mg. Metro 400mg.
No GP/Neuro support. Self medicating with help from David Wheldon.
Started CAP 20th April

i would add ... i a close female relative of mine is 'v. attractive' (i suppose ....) and has never had a day's illness in her life.  but i would say she was not an attractive person deep down, as daisy describes.  however, the 'I am what I am' is not something i always find easy ......  it needs developing ...


M.E./CFS 20 years, intermittent.  Wheldon Protocol - Started NAC and supplements Sept 2007. Doxy and Roxy full dose by Dec '07.  First Flagyl pulse January 2008.

M.E./CFS 20 years, intermittent.  Wheldon Protocol - Started NAC and supplements Sept 2007. Doxy and Roxy full dose by Dec '07.  First Flagyl pulse January 2008.  Changed to Tini in December 2008.  Stopped CAP in February 2009 at pulse 16.

I echo those who have suggested that you talk to a counselor or therapist about the anxiety and social phobia.   There are effective techniques for dealing with these problems that don't necessarily take a long time to learn.

I dated a psychologist once who told me she could teach most people who had problems with anxiety techniques to cope with it.   She was of the opinion that what she could teach someone within a month would allow them to cope with about 50% of their problem.  Within a year, she could teach someone how to deal with 70%, but getting beyond 90% would take the rest of their life.  I thought she was a bigger nut than her patients so I settled for 50%.  The relationship didn't last but the anti-anxiety techniques did help. 

CAP for M.S. since 8/2007. Currently: 100 mg Dox. (2 x day), 250 mg Zith (3 x week) ceased 3/2008, restarted 5/2008, 150 mg Roxi (2 x day) starting 3/2008, ended 5/2008. Eighth pulse metronidazole completed 5/10/2008.

CAP for M.S. 8/2007 - 3/2009.  Twentieth pulse metronidazole + INH completed 3/12/2009.  Intermittent treatment thereafter until 11/20/2009.  

Ok... I understand the difficulty having suffered from Alopecia on and off for thirty years.   But as you say yourself it is a problem of self confidence, not of the way you look.

People may be looking at you or making comments on you appearance for any number of reasons, some of them may have nothing to do with you; more to do with what is going on in their heads, or their love of drama.   There are times of course when they will be reacting to you, but the problem is how you receive this information, how you choose to process it...

If you are feeling sorry for yourself, feeling like a victim or choosing to see their concern as an attack on you then your reactions will be negative.   If you think of yourself as a strong and confident person who is doing all the right things for himself, whose looks might be temporarily marred by illness but but who is basically no different to the person you were before, then you may well be able to ride this out with a more positive attitude.

Depression may make it difficult for you to be positive, but if you can make the sometime supreme effort to think positively, it will change your thinking about things that cause you concern.   Much in the same way that the brain can relearn skills lost through illness or accident, your brain can unlearn negativity, provided you can practice positive thinking.

Michèle (UK) GFA: Wheldon CAP 1st May 2006. Daily Doxy, Azi MWF, metro pulse. Zoo keeper for Ella, RRMS, At worse EDSS 9, 3 months later 7 now 5.5 Wheldon CAP 16th March 2006

Michèle (UK) GFA: Wheldon CAP 1st May 2006. Daily Doxy, Azi MWF, metro pulse.

 I dont know how long you have been on treatment but I would think the longer one has been in treatment the more that apoptosis occurs the better one will look.  Also, retinol cream really helps with acne scars and wricnkles and it seemed to help with bags... however its probably not a good idea to use if you have infection in your face... but maybe an option for when your better?


CPN pcr and antibody positive , treating MS, CFS, TMJ, trigeminal neuralgia, IBS neutropenia, pus found in facial bone, Doxy 100x2, zithro 250x1 alternate days. Metro pulses each month.







Thanks for sharing your trouble with us,  There are alot of good suggestions for you above.  God can help you with anything that is bothering you, just keep on asking him.


CFIDS/ME 26yrs, FMS, IBS, EBV, CMV, Cpn, chronic insomnia, Lymes, HME, Natural HRT peri-M, NAC 2.5 gm, 6-07 Doxy 200 mg day pm, Azith 375 mg M/W/Fday, Pulse#10 1000 mg 3 days & 750mg 2 days, 5-17-8

CFIDS/ME, FMS, MCS, IBS, EBV, CMV, Cpn, H1, chronic insomnia, Chronic Lyme, HME, Babesia, Natural HRT-menopause, NAC 2.4 gm,Full CAP 6-2-07, all supplements+Iodorol, Inositol-depression, ultra Chitosan, L lysine Pulse#27 04-19-10 1gm Flagyl/day-5 days<